HOW'S YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?

My FIL sent out this article the other day.  Crazy thing is, I was just trying to organize similar thoughts in my head the night before he sent it, as I fell asleep.  Then woke up to this in my inbox, and this article explained exactly my sentiments on the subject.  It was like an answer to an unasked prayer.  (I typically fall asleep debating ideas in my head.  Weird.  I don't know why.  Not healthy sleep hygiene, I know) Anyways, I enjoyed it so much I wanted to archive it here.   I hope to teach my own children this great lesson.


HOW'S YOUR SELF-ESTEEM? 

I was talking to a woman the other day and she told me that the most important thing parents could give their children was self-esteem.

I didn’t say anything.

I didn’t want to be impolite.

But she was, of course, wrong.

Dangerously, completely, horribly wrong.

The most important thing parents can give their children is religious faith, the ability and desire to live a life in harmony with the divine. A life that will carry them into the eternities. A life with God at its center.

That’s the most important thing parents can give their children.

But I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about self-esteem. The poison of self-esteem. This crazy fixation that occupies American educators and child psychologists, the psychobabble that has become unquestioned policy.

A policy that has crippled untold young people’s lives, and which will continue to do so, just as long as we foolishly focus on self-esteem building.

First off, self-esteem is a consequence, not an objective. Self-esteem is not something you should pursue. Rather, you should pursue the traits and habits that produce self-esteem. Self-esteem is an innate self-regulatory mechanism. We have it when we are useful and good, we don’t when we aren’t.

Self-esteem is first cousin to our conscience, and we cannot have self-esteem if we do not have the approval of our conscience.

But we’ll come back to that. 

Let’s first look at the current ruinous policy of “self-esteem building.” In schools across the country self-esteem agendas, particularly among minority and disadvantaged students, are creating nothing but a generation of arrogant, self-absorbed narcissists. We are raising a generation of young people with wildly inflated views of themselves and absolutely nothing to back it up. 

We teach them to talk the talk, but not walk the walk. Self-esteem building is teaching them how to do a dance in the end zone, but not how to score a touchdown. Ironically, self-esteem building – which the theorists say is so “empowering” – is making incredible numbers of young people useless to themselves and society.

In the name of self-esteem we inflate grades, we give smiley faces and gold stars and certificates when they have not truly been earned. And by so doing we cheapen achievement, and we deny young people the opportunity to learn from their failures. And by doing that we make it impossible for them to succeed. For, without the possibility of failure, there is no possibility of success.

If praise comes automatically, regardless of our effort, then we will demand it as an entitlement. And we will be taught that effort and outcome are meaningless.

Which is tragic.

Because the only true self-esteem comes from achievement. And achievement comes from work, from what you produce and earn. You feel good about a test not because of the dishonestly high grade, but because you know you worked, studied and learned. 

Praise too freely given weakens. It produces spoiled brats. People who are permanently handicapped in life by virtue of their distorted sense of self-importance and worth. A child told over and over that it is beautiful – or smart or strong -- will come to believe it. Those words will become fact in that person’s mind. And how unfortunate that it is if those words are not true, or if those words weaken the impulse to strive and improve.

In life, it doesn’t matter what you think, it matters what is. And it is far better to teach a child to work and strive, to give it expectations and standards, than to smother it in ridiculous self-esteem schemes. 

The person who does what he knows is right will feel good about himself. The person who does his best will feel good about himself. The person who knows how to work and take a task to completion will feel good about himself. 

Guilt and disappointment – the opposites of self-esteem – are the consequence of bad choices and personal failures. They can’t be chased away with pep talks and meaningless honors, they can only be replaced by making better choices and by replacing failure with success.. The key to self-esteem, therefore, is making right choices and achieving.

So the key to helping young people have happy, balanced lives is teaching them to make right choices and to achieve. 

That is the road to true self-esteem.

Tell your children that you love them. When they have done something which shows true effort, integrity and persistence, tell them that you are proud of them. Teach them that they are children of God. Help them learn that when they do what’s right and when they do their best they will feel good and be happy, but when they don’t, they won’t. Let them know that they have the power to decide whether they will have happy or unhappy lives.

And forget this self-esteem nonsense.

It is a misguided philosophy with catastrophic consequences.

- by Bob Lonsberry © 2011 

7/15/2011 - 6:00 AM

Summer Time

I haven't been keeping up of happenings like I'd like to this summer.  But I want to keep this blogging up because I love having my blog books as journals of my family. 

So here's a synopsis in phone pictures.  No I haven't gotten a camera out in months.  Sad.  That's what repentance is for!  At least the trusty iphone camera does a decent job.

Hiking with cousins.  Can anyone pick up crowd.  We're stuck in the rain far from our car.

Spending some, but not enough time at the park.  I wish the house and meals would magically take care of themselves so we could spend every minute outside.  Now when the Hoopes come to the park, we fill every swing.

Birthday parties with pony rides!

 Midnight snacks and sleep overs with best friends and pseudo cousins.

Summer isn't summer without T-ball games and water melon

Family night hikes up at Sundance.  So pretty.  And it's always more fun traveling double-decker style.

I've had my share of Activity Days activities, including heading up to camp Jeremiah Johnson

 I even got 4 days solo in Mexico and ended up with this sexy burn.  Other than that the trip was divine.

 We spent the 4th weekend up in Wyoming--pictures on Ben's phone.  But before we tucked back in our own beds at home we lit off some fire works.  I love Wy in his helmet, binky, and cowboy boots.

Me and Faith went to St. George, while Ben and Jesse went to Powell so the day before all that I took Wy on a Super date.

We raced cars and played games at Trafalga

Then went to the car wash and got a sucker.  And then we went and got a GF lunch.  We had a lot of fun smooched and held hands all the way.  It was so great to give him all my attention and just have fun together. 

All the girl cousins went to St. George and went to the Tuahqchan  plays.  Unfortunately we got rained out of Little Mermaid.  The first 20 min were fantastic!  Grease was a lot of too.

Few moments pass without some teasing going on

Swimming in the back yard.

Faith and her buddy Truman.  They're getting married.  That whole being cousins isn't going to get in their way.

And the greatest highlight of the summer is Faith has finally realized what a great swimmer she is and has all the confidence she needs now.

On the Other Hand

On the other hand this is perfection.  She's nothing but sunshine and sugar sauce!  She's so squishy, sweet, and smoochable.  She is so easy and such a delight.  Everyone loves the Hanner Bear too much.  Let's cross our eyes, fingers, legs, toes that she never turns two;)

Had To Laugh...

Last night I was reading through an old blog book and had to laugh when I came across this.....

This tiny guy is far too good and far too sweet. I know I am his mother and biased, but I will gladly tell you that his older siblings can be PILLS (Very cute ones)! I love them all the same, but this guy doesn't have bad moments, or hard moments, or even slightly irritable moments. He just goes with the flow. The only things he asks for is food, and sometimes his bed, and he asks very patiently and politely. I feel bad because sometimes I take advantage of his good naturedness and stretch his awake times and meal times to entertain his older siblings and their activities, or partake in my own selfish endeavors.

Wyatt, I appreciate all your goodness. You're a great example to all of us. I hope we can all be more like you.

Oh how the times have changed!  This guy has %90 bad, hard and very irritable moments!   He never asks for anything, only makes demands in a very whiney voice all day long.............................Aren't I mean?  It's the sad truth though.  Poor guy and poor everyone else in this house.  Good news is I'm determined to have the love and patience I need to make it through his terrible twos. And hopefully soon enough I can help him remember what behaviors are acceptable and what ones aren't.  I'm counting down the days;)  At least he's stinkin cute.

Utah is too pretty right now

I've really enjoyed riding my bike this week:) So green, blue, and white!!! Warms my soul.

Ya, I Run Marathons

Technically I can say that now that I have run two marathons.  Although I don't know if I can say "run" when my pace was about 10:10??!!  Slooowwww, but it still such a great experience.

I've been planning on running the Timp Trail half for quite awhile, but a marathon wasn't on my radar for this summer.  But about a month ago, my friend unexpectedly got pregnant and was unable to use her spot in the Utah Valley Marathon and asked me if I'd buy it.  So without much thinking I said, "Sure!", not having ran on a road for months.  So I did my trail half and then started to hit the roads.  Somedays I felt great and other days I couldn't go more than a few steps because my hip has been bothering me.  I think things didn't settle correctly after having my kiddos.  But I did manage to get an 18 miler in.

So I didn't have any expectations going in other than to finish and hopefully run without my hip pain.  And that's exactly what I got.  The day was beautiful, the morning was cool with blue skies, green mountains with white caps, and the river was running fast and deep.  It was perfect.  I nursed my hip all week and started healthy.  I think it was Divine intervention because it didn't bother me the entire race.  I felt good and happy the entire time.  I didn't have much motivation to run fast (maybe because I didn't use caffeine till the last 6 miles???), so I just relaxed and enjoyed it.  I never hit a wall or ever lost it mentally.  Sure my legs got tight, but no pain.  Plus I got to hang out with my SIL Lisa most of the run and even ran into a good friend that I haven't seen since high school.  That sure helped the time fly by!

This was such a different experience from my first marathon.  There were so many unknowns and fears with the first.  It was hard and painful and challenged me so much physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Not that this time was easy, but I had more confidence because I've done it before and because I hadn't trained appropriately, I didn't push it.   The course was a lot harder I thought this time, but far more enjoyable and the climbs were a good diversion for my downhill muscles.  

All in all it was a great experience and a fun challenge.  I loved the course, although it's not a super fast course.  But I'd highly recommend this marathon.  Plus they handed out otter pops at mile 23 which was heaven!

This is the data that my garmin recorded which is kind of fun to look at.  I guess I lost 3 minutes during the 5 times that I had to pee.  And the course has over 1300 ft. of climbing which is significant I think.

Me and Lisa.  Those creamies hit the spot at the end.

Lisa, Ray, Angela and me.  All the crew.

Ben chased me on a scooter for the last 4 miles which was a lot of fun and great motivation

Coming in the last block.


Until the next race...who knows when.  I'm planning enjoying the rest of the summer on my bike and playing with my kids:)

Grateful for Cousins

Lately I am incredibly grateful for my kids cousins.   They are surrounded by cousins who love and adore them, and hence my kids feel like the world is a safe, wonderful place, where everyone thinks they're great!  Not a day goes by that they get to see and play with at least one cousin.  They are loved, picked up and hugged and kissed multiple times a day.  They go to church together, school together, they babysit, and lately our door seems to be revolving with cousins going in and out.

I'm especially thankful for Kollin, this cute 12 year-old pictured above.  Even though he's six years older than J he's so sweet and good to him.  He and J's other 6th grade cousin  sat by him everyday on the bus.  How cool of a kindergartner did that make J?  He'll entertain J for hours--not to mention all the other kids too. He's so sweet and kind, he always tells me he loves my food and he eats a lot--which boosts my kitchen confidence!   He also clears his plate and puts it in the dishwasher which isn't bad either.  In short, I wish he was mine.  He's the perfect big brother in our house.  I'm crossing my fingers that he's the buddy in our house for awhile.

Braydon, my cool, 16 year-old football playing nephew came up to me the other day and said, "I hope you know that I love Wyatt more than anything."  He confessed that he even loves him more than his parents;)  How cool is that for a 2 year-old that thinks his big cousins are the best?  The minute we walk into church Wyatt starts looking for Braydon's lap.

The stories of love and friendship could go on forever.  My kids love and admire all their cousins, and we love and adore all of them too.  They really are such a blessing in my kids lives.  I hope they are always close friends.